Wait…

I scrunch the foil up in one hand
Gone…
No more.
Should I feel badly for eating it?
Well, should I!?
On the one hand, yes I do.
On the other, no…
Everyone eats you see.
But somewhere on my long, lonesome journey,
I lost the ability to tell the difference
between “healthy” eating.
And “non-healthy” eating.
“Are you an emotional eater?”
The question sticks in the front of my mind.
Can someone just like food?
Does every bite I take, or every
chocolate bar that I eat have to mean that
I’m dying inside… ?
That I have secrets that I’m trying to “hide”?
I digress…
The foil is still in my hand.
It serves as a reminder…
A reminder that there is another diet
I’ve failed today…
Tomorrow is new, but will I do
the same thing tomorrow?
IS IT just that I like food?
Do I have a food addiction?
What do I do about that?
And how is it that even though
I want to be skinny, I can’t stop myself
From eating?
“I’ll have water…” is my favorite line.
Because it is.
No, it really is.
I like water.
It actually quenches.
I’m counting calories again
I’ve wound up here… again…
How do I find my strength?
I watch as my mother takes
ANOTHER potato chip and
tells me how she’s “on the soup diet”
“I only eat soup” she says.
Making me feel like I’m a
FAILURE
Because I can’t survive on just “soup”
Six hundred calories a day…
For soup…
Did you know that the nazis fed the Jews
800 calories a day to starve them?
I ball the foil in my hand angrily.
Apparently, I just can’t survive with so little food.
But, I’m not happy either.
I want to be thin.
How is it that we can acknowledge that
Some people are “naturally thin”…
But we can’t acknowledge that
“Some people are naturally fat?”
Seems logical, doesn’t it?
If you’re thin, maybe you were just born that way.
If you’re fat, then you’re fat because you did it.
These days?
It feels like I’m doing it.
Yes. I am probably the culprit…
But when I started to get fat?
Not so…
You see I was fat when I ate very little.
I watch my husband eat half a bag of potato chips.
But not me…
I have to stop eating…
I watch as my sister gets McDonalds
But not me…
I have to stop eating…
I watch as the sexy girl in the bikini advertises for Carl’s Jr.
But not me…
I have to stop eating.
And if I don’t stop eating, then I MUST want to be fat.
Then I realize the guilt that’s going on
Simply perpetuates what IS going on…
I squeeze the foil…
I realize that
The thing that strikes me the most is this…
My biggest concern was wondering if anyone saw me. – LKJSlain

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