You’ll hate me, but…

I didn’t like Guardians of the Galaxy.

GOTG

Already, people are trying to talk me out of “not liking it”… somehow trying to say that I “didn’t understand it” or that I “just didn’t get it…” (as if I’m not allowed to have an opinion lol…)

Yesterday, I took my husband to see this for his birthday (which is actually tomorrow…stay with me) and then to lunch out.

When I saw the commercial for “GOTG” staring Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, John Reily, Glenn Close and a few other awesome name drops, I felt that this COULD be good… but, honestly after seeing the commercial I had a change of mind. The “silliness” of the whole thing with the commercials main theme being “uga chucka uga uga uga chucka,” just made me wonder if this whole thing was going to be taken seriously. Then, I thought to myself, “Well, this is meant to be cheesy and a comedy, so I’ll give it a shot…”

Sadly… it was WORSE than what I was expecting. I don’t know HOW it was worse than what I was expecting, but it was…

I know, now days people are just watching for the cool effects the amazing fight scenes, etc. But, being a writer, I simply can not sustain on that unless it’s made real clear to me that this is all that the movie is MEANT to be… vapid entertainment.

FIRST, I will give a brief overview – then tell you some of my problems with the film.

SPOILERS DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FILM!

The movie opens on a SUPER heavy note…

A young boy listening to his “awesome mixed tape” is waiting in a hospital while his mother dies of cancer. She asks him in and takes her last breath while he stands there. Already I was in tears and feeling as though this would probably be a pretty awesome movie because I was deeply moved.

Then he runs out crying onto a … near by football field? … and gets ABDUCTED! By ALIENS!

Then, we are taken 26 years into the future where “Star LORD” is attempting to steal a filigree metal ball from a desolate planet. (this is important… stay with me). Upon landing on this planet, he turns on his AWESOME MIXED TAPE and performs a sing along dance routine to a song blaring over the credits while he sings into an alien rat head as if it’s a microphone… (no comment) … he manages to steal the ball (sort of) after being attacked by … some random dudes with implants in their heads. I think they were working for Ronan? The bad dude.

Anyways… he gets back on his ship after kicking their butts, and OOPS there’s an alien girl that he forgot was there from the night before. In a totally pointless moment where they didn’t have to pay an actress, the poor thing sits there and basically has no purpose but to tell the audience that Star Lord is a Playa… which we could have very easily figured out without this random actress sitting through this whole scene.

Meanwhile, in a scene that was pretty much only there to show off Lee Pace’s body for reasons unknown, RONAN is awakened from his blue goo naked sleep (but, we’re never really told who he is or why he’s scary)… Lee Pace is absolutely un-recognizable in this, and frankly I thought he was one of the best parts. He has two girls with him Gamora and Nebula who are sisters… somehow. They have the same dad I guess. Thanos? Well, I guess Gamora was adopted… and is also the last of her race since Thanos killed them all… but anyways.

Gamora says she’s going to go after the filigree ball of pretty-ness thingy and off she goes to… start a fight… in the middle of a crowded city… because she’s apparently the most dangerous woman in the galaxy. Or something.

Because a talking racoon and his three syllable speaking tree are near by and have discovered “Star Lord” (who is there to sell the ball, but the buyer chickens when the name “naked sleep” … sorry, RONAN is mentioned), they join the fray and get detected (surprise? It is a crowded city after all… How about this… how about Gamora and Peter… oh sorry, his name is actually PETER… go back to his place for a few drinks, and ya know, she clobbers him over the head and takes the ball of holiness…too simple? Too much brainpower? Just checkin’) … ANYWAYS… They all get arrested.

Where they are all “introduced” (like…thirty minutes into the movie now) In the iconic “commercial” scene… in which one of the characters literally says… “A – holes” … instead of just freaking saying “ass holes…” … the word “dick” is thrown around multiple times as well as several other bad words but apparently “ass hole” was too much.

GOTG finger

For reasons unknown, all four of them are sent to the same prison where Peter (STAR LORD) is really pissed that some blue guy has confiscated and is listening to his music… this gets him a beating and an orange shower…

Gamora is like… really hated. I mean people are just like… spitting on her. And one dude… the dude who is so literal that he can’t even make a joke later on because he understands nothing of metaphors calls Gamora… a woman who is not shown to be sleeping around at ALL…a whore. (Yes, read that again… let it sink in). THIS guy… an actor that no one has heard of, sort of joins the whole thing because apparently Gomora works for Ronan… well, actually for Thanos… but, sometimes she works for Ronan… who killed his mother’s, grandma’s, snake or something… (I hope you understand that I got it)

The most dangerous woman in the galaxy needs saving (surprise?) and IS saved by the idiot who sang into a rat at the beginning of this travesty and Drax (the guy incapable of anything that isn’t totally literal… except apparently calling women who aren’t sleeping around whores,) sort of joins the “fray” because … why not? And I guess because they promise to help get him to Ronan so he can tear Ronan’s black make up clean off his face… WITH his face. grrrrrr

They manage to escape the prison via a detachable watch tower INSIDE the prison… (yeah, you got me there)… and Rocket… the raccoon (for reasons unknown… just because he’s all brain I guess) starts randomly making bombs and stuff on Peter’s ship. Some random joke referencing sperm or something is made in lieu of talking about fluorescent lights after Gamora randomly says that his ship is filthy (the line seemed VERY out of place… and forced).

Gamora takes them to a gorgeous floating skull… Yes. A floating skull… which is being mined inside for… stuff that’s apparently still good to use even though the head is “ancient” and this is where “the Collector” is… a man who tells his workers to “use their elbows” in cleaning glass… this makes them so crazy and hurt that they suicide and try and take everyone with them, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Groot gives a dirty little girl a flower… awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww… and while waiting to see the Collector, Peter talks to Gamora who essentially says, “I’m a weapon, grr…” and Peter tells Gamora that she needs to dance followed by the great legend of Kevin Bacon who made everyone dance in a town full of people with sticks up their butts…
“Who put the sticks up their butts… that’s an awful thing to do”… were actual lines here followed by Gamora moving her hips to some “music” and yelling because the music was loud in her ears that the “MELODY WAS PLEASANT!” … they almost kiss but instead Gamora screams “I WILL NOT FALL VICTIM TO YOUR PELVIC SORCERY!” … Yes… this scene actually happened.

GOTG kiss

Drax, Groot and Rocket are busy racing weird rats and getting drunk all so that Rocket can have a murderous emotional moment and scream, “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE THIS WAY!!!!” Because apparently a talking raccoon’s REAL murderous point is that someone laughs at him or makes a comment about him…

But then they’re called in to see the Collector… YAY… who opens the pretty filigree ball to reveal a destiny stone and give us a home movie sort of presentation about how it’s really bad.. like really really icky… like it can like blow up planets and junk and no one could hold it or they FACE MELT, and like… yeah, it’s bad. But, the really really bad actress who didn’t favor being told to clean harder decides (when no one’s looking, because it’s totally cool to not watch a stone that could blow everything up) to try and grab it to either A, self destruct and kill her “clean harder” boss as well, or B, to try and wield it’s powers, both of which seemed like a pretty ridonkulous plan but whatevs moving on.

Obviously, self destruct happens (for … I’m not sure because … I don’t really know why it was plot critical) and WONDER OF WONDERS!!! ALL OF OUR HEROS SURVIVE TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNSCATHED! đŸ˜€ … I mean, there was a total meltdown and things blew up everywhere but not the point!

At this moment Ronan’s ships have come and are attacking and Drax gets a moment to try and kill Ronan… Meanwhile, Gamora, Star Lo-Peter, and Rocket (Who was so drunk that he was going to kill people for saying that he was a freak five minutes ago) are fighting these ship thingys… Oh yeah, and Yondu, (Star Lord’s adoptive father… and abductor, played by Meryl Dixon) shows up to look for the ball because… whatever.

Crap happens and Ronan drops Drax in a vat of butter before he leaves… because his lackeys got the ball of prettiness. Drax survives being basted because Groot gets him out pokes a hole in his chest.

MEANWHILE Gamora is trapped ( ??? ) and needs to go “outside” where the little do-hicky things that they’re driving/flying don’t work… ??? ??? ??? and so, like… she gets hit and starts floating in space and freezing to death (and needs saving…again…) and Pete-Star person decides that he’s IN LOVE WITH HER so he needs to go and save her! HURRAY! So he risks his own life to float to her, put his “awesome mask” on her, and save her for a few more seconds before Yondu shows up and pulls them into his ship saving both of them only to attempt to kill them five seconds later with his trusty arrow that obeys only the melodious sounds of his whistling… Star Lord states that he HAS A PLAN! (Something that is said repeatedly throughout this movie) and Yondu goes along with it (why? We’re not totally sure… he ALSO wants the ball of holiness but to sell to someone else I think)…

And so for whatever reason, they’re let back onto Peter Lord’s ship to “talk it out”… (WHY were they let back onto his ship? … I stopped asking questions a long time ago) and they realize that doing this means that they’re going to “DIE” … (dramatic moment)… So, yes! Let’s all go die! Alright!

Without really understanding what the plan is (although there was a big montage about it)… they’re going to go get the face melting ball from Ronananana and DIE!

MEANWHILE Ronan has decided that the face melting ball WILL NOT MELT HIS FACE so instead of giving it to Thanos (as originally planned) He sucks into his body and hammer thingy… and is going to go and destroy the planet with the whitest buildings. NOW HE HAS ULTIMATE POWER!!!!

He begins a decent onto the planet and John C. Reily shows up again to go and tell Nova Prime that Star Lord is not 100 percent a dick.

Some weird plan is formulated and like ten THOUSAND pilots lose their life trying to create a wall to stop Ronan’s descending turd while Star GUY, and Gamora crash into said turd and enter it to STOP RONAN… But not before Gamora smiles and says, “Just like Kevin Bacon!” … Because apparently this scenario is EXACTLY like Footloose… Sticks, butts, dancing and all.

Ronan surely bakes a potato or something because his turd is falling to this planet for like half an hour… and he’s going to come like … set his hammer thingy of horror down on the planet and kill everyone, meanwhile …Nova Prime … Wait, Glenn Close IS IN this MOVIE?!?!? … Freaks… well… not really… she sort of stands there… watching the city blow up… looking like she’s two seconds from buffing her nails… and says lines like, “Our main priority is to get everyone out of the city…” … wow… deep. I figured that it was to let them start a Mario Kart party or something. Who would have thought that abject terror created from a giant falling CRAP would mean that everyone should leave. huh…

Ronananananana totally guesses that his lackeys will kill anyone trying to infiltrate his turd and in a moment that means LITERALLY nothing (Because the characters have lights) Groot lights up the hall that our heroes are in with little glowy bug things… AWWWW… NOW FOR FACE RIPPING…

GOTG Drax

Nebula is there… and she and Gamora spend like fifteen minutes of this falling turd scenario fighting while Gamora is trying to open a door… I lost track of why this door needs to be opened… sorry… I do know that Nebula detached her hand from her body and fell tho…

Groot spears like six guys and whacks them repeatedly against a wall for like 10 seconds too long and everyone is all “wow…” and then they go and find Ronan who’s finishing his baked potato and they try and fight him … No luck (no surpise… he’s got the hammer of all face melt)… ship is still falllllllllllling.

And, Rocket crashes his ship through the falling turd and knocks Ronan over, and you’ll have to forgive me, I was so out of it at this point that what I remember next is that Groot grabs everyone, and pulls them into himself, growing himself around them all in a truly touching moment where he somehow manages to say “WE are Groot” instead of “I am Groot.” I’m sure they paid Vin Diesel like 50 Mil for these epic lines…

The ship crashes, everyone survives, (sept Groot is now branches) INCLUDING RONAN who… LITERALLY needs to walk out of the ship and set his hammer thingy down to fulfill his ULTIMATE PLAN… you know, the one where like ten THOUSAND people died because his giant ancient crap was falling… but INSTEAD… Rocket builds a weapon, and Ronan gets… DISTRACTED (yes… distracted) by Star Lord of the Dance’s epic dance moves to his music which is playing because… it is okay?! Rocket shoots this weapon and the magical rock comes out and Star Genius is like, “Hey, I know, I’ll just LET it melt my face off… heck, I could be endangering like millions of people here depending on the blast, but whatevs lol peace…” and so he picks it up and SURPRISE it’s like going to melt his face off… so, in a moment that is TRULY My Little Pony, “Friendship is Magic” … Gamora “shares the load” by taking his hand, then does Drax, then Rocket… and their faces nearly melt off as purple is swirling and whirling around them and they scream for like a really freaking long time… and then yeah… they’re all okay. Phew. But, like… Ronan dies because he was in the blast? Lolz… he like had the stone in his body a few moments ago but whaevs.

I guess after all the near face melting dramatics are over, they just put the rock back in it’s tube… and Yondu shows up (because whatever) and is all “We had a dealio… I know that rock can melt faces and destroy worlds, but I’mma sell it anyways or my whistling will pound your face!” so, Star Guy hands a different ball over and Yondu goes away (to find out that he has a troll instead later on… yes, a troll… like a doll from the eighties).

The heroes records are all wiped clean and they fly off planning to just… create new records for themselves.

THE END!

PHEW… are you still with me?

Obviously, I highlighted some of my issues with this movie in the overall… But let me make a few points here.

The script was utterly terrible. There was so many lines that left me scratching my head. It was all force fed.
Meaning most of this movie was spent with the actors saying, “This is what we’re doing, this is what we’re about to do, this is what we’re going to do in five minutes” over and over and over again as if the audience couldn’t figure a lot of it out as we went along.

It totally glossed over any character development. A great example is the epic Kevin Bacon speech on the balcony in which time there could have been used for Gamora to really talk about her past but instead we got two lines that were quickly covered up with a stupid speech about Kevin Bacon and sticks up people’s butts.

This brings me to my next thought. The jokes… some of them were just miserable. At one point, the theatre was nervous laughing because Rocket is so angry that he kicks grass, at which point Rocket literally says, “You…are…making…me…kick…grass!” … This is not to say that there were not good jokes in this movie, but a lot of them were cringe worthy. It was like they were trying to force a joke into the film at every chance they got and a lot of them just were not necessary.

Star Lord / Peter… I didn’t get him at all. Well, okay, that’s wrong. I totally GOT him, but he was all over the place. Crying about his mother one minute, then being snarky the next, then trying to joke, then being heroic, then not, then being deviant, then not, then crying about his mother again, then being snarky again… he really needed to be reeled in a little. I’ll hand it to Chris Pratt, I thought he looked amazing in this, AND that he did a pretty okay job with such a terrible script. But it left me wondering often, “what is this? A comedy? Drama? A dramedy? A space opera dramedy action flick?”

The amount of taking things at “Face Value” in this film… I understand, if you haven’t read the comics (or even have a super brain that will remember all of this), then you’ll probably be lost. But that’s the difference between this movie and other Marvel movies. In most of the others? You won’t be lost… because there’s nothing to lose… SEVERAL times in Guardians there was something or SOMEONE going on and we were literally just forced to go, “okay, that’s happening…”

The pacing was atrocious…

I could just like… keep going, but I won’t bore you anymore. Basically, if you loved this film, GOOD FOR YOU! đŸ˜€ I really don’t mind. I really wouldn’t mind seeing it again. It was an okay romp. But, I wasn’t impressed.

All in all I’d say this movie had about 2 and a half stars from me. They really should have went with a different writer/ director. *SMH*

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One thought on “You’ll hate me, but…

  1. I was confused as to why people were saying a movie with a talking raccoon and a giant walking tree root was good. I vaguely remember the comic and the movie didn’t make me want to refresh my memory. I haven’t seen the movie, because like I said, a talking raccoon and a giant walking tree root is just as believable as a zombie outbreak but even in the previews, this movie looked terrible.

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