#Thestruggleisreal TL;DR

For the first time in… I don’t know how long… I’ve decided that I’m going to regurgitate my sinful nature in a totally different way from what I have in the past.

You see, this time last year I was suffering from the same bug. The same horrifying, mind melting, ridiculous regurgitation that for whatever reason, as a Christian, I haven’t been able to kick yet.

While sitting with a friend the other night, I said something to the affect of, “I’m going through the story of David right now…” (in the bible,) he listened intently, “I have questions… one of them being this… why did David fall?”
Have you ever thought about this? David… King of everything (essentially) blessed by God Himself, a “man after God’s own heart” with what… several hundred wives and concubines… ? Why did he fall?
My friend chuckled and said, “Well, there was a beautiful woman bathing in front of him…”

coffee

I had to bite my tongue a little at this… sure… nudity, I get it… men struggle in this area… But, I wanted to say, “Hey, men aren’t so animalistic that the sight of a nude woman makes them uncontrollable freaks,” – however, since my friend was a man, I didn’t want to offend him in such a light. Let’s put it this way, my friend is an ARTIST and he lives in AMERICA… I’m sure he’s seen a few naked women. lol… And yet, (knowing him a little deeper now) I know for a fact that merely the sight of a woman bathing, or nude didn’t reduce him to a slobbering loon who HAD to jump into said woman’s pants.

So… David… Has like a TON (almost) of other women that he could have easily taken his “sexual frustrations” out on regarding Bathsheba… Why did he fall?

I have been reading through David’s story and the question (and my own struggle) got me to thinking deep, serious, personal questions. Ones that are insightful, and hard to admit to, and difficult to come to grips with. As I have read about David from his young years to his older years, I am realizing one common thing… David had it tough… like, really tough.

We can start with Jesse… The father that didn’t even think he was “worth” bringing to the party to be considered to be anointed because David was “small” ? Yeah… lots of faith there, dad. We can also then go to Saul, his only other father figure… you know, the guy who repeatedly tried to kill him for years? First in his presence, then on the run…
“You know,” I said to my friend, “I study serial killers,” he smiled, “something that is interesting that they’re finding out is that neglect and rejection can actually be far MORE damaging than straight up abuse.” He marveled at this. I continued explaining that they’re finding more and more that some of the more serious serial killers were neglected by their parents, or told that their feelings didn’t matter, or simply left alone to take care of things on their own…

Unfortunately… I wish that I didn’t… but, I fall into this category.

crying

Before I go on, I want everyone to understand something right off the bat-
I DO NOT hate my parents. I hate what they did to me.
I DO NOT wish bad upon them, ONLY forgiveness and moving onward.
I also do NOT believe that (most) of what they did was on purpose. I think it was circumstantial, and still is.

Some people know, some don’t… but, when I was about seven (after falling and breaking my arm), my parents drug me up to Toronto Canada for three years to start a church.

LONG story REALLY short… some awful sh** happened to me. There’s no other way to put it. I was essentially ruined almost the moment that we got there by something terrible that I saw on TV WHILE they supervised me and could have stopped it at any moment (this set off my OCD far worse than it was beforehand, btw)… I was seriously bullied in school, even to the point where I was attacked and beaten by boys who were bigger and stronger than me. (Wow… I just had a revelation that unfortunately, I can not share)… and horribly bullied by other kids in the school. Teachers were cruel to me, hurting me terribly a few times (I actually endured an abusive situation)… and right at the culmination of all of this, my parents got pregnant and ALL of their time/ energy (which was left because they were full time pastors) went to taking care of my sister who was needy, and sickly from the beginning… any time that they had left to try and help me LITERALLY got sopped up by my new little sister… and I hate to say it, really has never stopped.

bullied

They tell me that this is not the case, but pretty much everyone can see their affection, concern, and over the top catering to her except them… (But that’s a topic for another day)…

Bottom line? I had to deal with a LOT of junk on my own, and some of the mild (and once or twice, full on) rejection that came from my family has really hurt me and stuck with me for over twenty two years. Unfortunately, a lot of this also came from my mom.

AGAIN- I want to say right out that I do not hate my mother, or wish her ill will… I love her dearly and have learned more and more to appreciate the wonderful woman that she is… Unfortunately, that doesn’t change some of the things that she made me feel and some of the things that she did to me… and even if I have forgiven her, the damage from some of those wounds is still there… still deep.

Mother and daughter sitting back to back

This whole thing has really made me realize (unfortunately) just how completely effed up I am… Just how much some of what has happened to me as a CHILD has been drug into my adult life and how much I am fighting against it…The issue is that a LOT of this also carried into things that happened in my adulthood and EARLY adulthood too. I have been horribly excluded, people have been cruel to me, and others have made it very clear that they want nothing to do with me. I’ve had people completely destroy my relationship with (literally) an entire church group… 😥

Illustrated silhouette of a man sitting with his head in his hand

I looked at my friend and said, “Do you think that we ever just get to a point where God’s “love” or knowing that He loves us just isn’t enough for us? Just isn’t enough for our humanity?”
“But, it IS enough, and it IS sufficient” he reiterated…

I know that he’s right. Strangely… I know that he’s right… And yet… I have never fully felt as though I can FEEL that God’s love is enough and/ or sufficient. I feel it for a few moments at a time. OR hear it in soft words that He speaks to me… but, sooner or later I hear screaming in my own head, and no salve seems to be able to soften those wounds. I find myself screaming inside and I instantly regurgitate so much… so very very much that I just don’t seem to be able to kill.

I feel like Paul when he talked about wanting to be with Jesus, because I can’t do this on my own and it’s like I am always just waiting to fail. I feel that it’s coming… and I feel that when it happens people will all point, stare, jeer, and cast me away as they have so many times before laughing and pointing at my weakness without understanding that I’ve been TRYING… Good Lord, I’ve been TRYING my entire life…

forgiveness

I don’t know the magic cure, or the right words.

I have clung to Christ, and I continue to cling to Christ… and this time… for the FIRST time, I have decided that I’m going to deal with this differently.

I’m not telling anyone anything. I feel that the moment that everyone knows, they’re all going to see me differently and run away. I am writing a little in a persona journal, documenting this struggle… and let me tell you, the struggle is REAL… This thing has eaten me alive since I was a very small child and has threatened everything in my existence…and the worst part? I KNOW some of what it is and where it comes from… and I don’t know how to change…

Dear God… I don’t know how to change… I can only stare at my past and my weaknesses and say… “There it is… everything that I am is coming back up again…”

Please don’t give up on me… I am trying.

Romans 7:15

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2 thoughts on “#Thestruggleisreal TL;DR

  1. “I looked at my friend and said, “Do you think that we ever just get to a point where God’s “love” or knowing that He loves us just isn’t enough for us? Just isn’t enough for our humanity?”

    I have felt like that before. Like, I KNOW God loves me, but sometimes I crave human love. Sometimes God feels far away and I want something else. I want human affection.

    I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. 😦 I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better. *HUGS* ❤

    Ashley

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