Bleeding is hard… especially when you’re bleeding alone.

I find myself in a strange position now days.

It’s this odd state between many opposites that shouldn’t have the ability to coexist…

Sick, but well
Terrified, but okay
Dreading, but calm
Anxious, but excited

The dichotomy is almost too much at times recently.

I am still bleeding… and this bleeding won’t fully stop until God moves a small mountain in one way or another…

I feel that some of the things that God has told me recently should stop me dead in my tracks and make me just literally give up on life… and yet, I have seen encouragement for my own life. I’ve seen the push…

Will my future really look the way that I feel that I’ve been shown? And if it is… what will that mean for so many other aspects of my life…

It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and there are clouds and smoke below and God is telling me, “Jump…” and I think that it’s crazy, but He’s assuring me that He’s going to catch me…or that something is… But, it’s even stranger than that. It’s more like God’s telling me that I’m going to be PUSHED into the clouds… and it’s as if He’s telling me that the jagged rocks and everything below (that I can’t see) will hurt me TERRIBLY but that when I reach the bottom, somehow I will not only be okay, but my life will be renewed and restored.

Every broken bone will heal and feel better than it did before, every scrape will scab over and become fresh new skin (albeit there might be a scar) Every drop of blood that I shed will be given back to me, and everything that I lose will be given back to me again in a different way.

I am… terrified… and somehow at peace… what’s terrifying me NOW more than ever is the fact that I know that some of this hinges on external forces and I’m praying that God prepares me… that He prepares everything.

I am also asking … why?

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Slowly Bleeding

That’s what it feels like…

My heart has been pierced and it won’t be mended until one of a few things happens.

Life is so confusing sometimes, isn’t it? One minute, you think that you MIGHT just have everything together… the next, you realize that you’re not even close and you’re wondering and thinking and praying, and asking if God “loves” you…

That this mortal flaw in my skin might actually conquer ME and separate me from the love of God… Then there’s this –
Romans 8 – 38-39
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,p neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Have you ever felt as if God has spoken to you? Have you ever felt that perhaps He’s told you something that is terrifying? I’m there now… and in a short while, I might be able to look back on this and say that this is what I was referring to here… these things that I can’t speak.

I’m still struggling… but, I feel as though I’m bleeding slowly, but with the knowledge that someday this wound will close and that is hopeful to me.

God, please be with me…