Bleeding is hard… especially when you’re bleeding alone.

I find myself in a strange position now days.

It’s this odd state between many opposites that shouldn’t have the ability to coexist…

Sick, but well
Terrified, but okay
Dreading, but calm
Anxious, but excited

The dichotomy is almost too much at times recently.

I am still bleeding… and this bleeding won’t fully stop until God moves a small mountain in one way or another…

I feel that some of the things that God has told me recently should stop me dead in my tracks and make me just literally give up on life… and yet, I have seen encouragement for my own life. I’ve seen the push…

Will my future really look the way that I feel that I’ve been shown? And if it is… what will that mean for so many other aspects of my life…

It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and there are clouds and smoke below and God is telling me, “Jump…” and I think that it’s crazy, but He’s assuring me that He’s going to catch me…or that something is… But, it’s even stranger than that. It’s more like God’s telling me that I’m going to be PUSHED into the clouds… and it’s as if He’s telling me that the jagged rocks and everything below (that I can’t see) will hurt me TERRIBLY but that when I reach the bottom, somehow I will not only be okay, but my life will be renewed and restored.

Every broken bone will heal and feel better than it did before, every scrape will scab over and become fresh new skin (albeit there might be a scar) Every drop of blood that I shed will be given back to me, and everything that I lose will be given back to me again in a different way.

I am… terrified… and somehow at peace… what’s terrifying me NOW more than ever is the fact that I know that some of this hinges on external forces and I’m praying that God prepares me… that He prepares everything.

I am also asking … why?


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