God, I’m scared…

It’s 12:03 AM on a Friday.
It just turned Friday and I’m waiting to feel like it’s appropriate to go to sleep.
God, I’m scared.
I don’t want this to be, but it is.
Or maybe the problem is…
I want this to be, but I know it’s wrong.
But, I don’t feel like I can stop it.
I’ve tried.
I’ve tried over and over again.
I’ve sunk.
It hurts.
It hurts like I can’t believe.
It hurts at 2AM
and at 6:15…
It hurts at the dinner table
during lunch.
On my long walks to the bakery.
It hurts all over.
I’m physically sick at times.
Promises are just words we say
We’re not coherent when we make them
That’s what I’ve learned anyways.
Why this…?
Why now?
Why can’t things change?
Is it just a moment of insanity?
What does it mean for my future?
And why does it hurt so very much?
I feel like I’m dying a little every other day.

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4 thoughts on “God, I’m scared…

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