FINDING THE ONE :D :D :D *hearts*

I don’t actually know how. LOL… I’m not an expert in relationship thinggssss

But I am a bit older than most of my friends, I’m married, and I have a bit of experience these arenas and I can tell you a few things about what I see today.

People believe a lot of stuff about love, romance and marriage that is just not true.

I’ve written about this before but sometimes it just needs to be repeated.

#1
If you want to find a spouse, you need to stop putting so much emphasis on “THE ONE” …

Your spouse isn’t Neo… or Jet Li. He/she is nobody, really. Or anybody.

For years now, the church has made the mistake of letting people put a LOT of emphasis on the idea of “the one” when it comes to a spouse. The idea that there’s some mystical person that God has set aside specifically FOR you… ooooohhhhh… There’s actually very little truth to this. In the bible, this happened very rarely and when it did happen, it was because major events in the world were about to unfold (like… the birth of Christ) and even in the situation of Christ, God simply CONFIRMED that they should be together. The bible doesn’t really indicate that He said, “Hey, see that girl over there? Marry Mary! Buah! Marry Mary…hehehe.” – First Joseph asked and then an angel appeared to them both.

The idea that there is a “one” is more an idea of “destiny” / “fate” which is far more mystical than Christian.

Now I’m not saying that you can’t feel that God is leading you to wait, or something, but I can tell you that a lot of people who have just decided to “wait” are usually the ones who are “scared” and end up waiting most of their living lives.

The one
(Pay attention… he wasn’t “THEE one”)

#2
Don’t for one moment believe that it’s not YOUR job to get prepared/ ready for a spouse before they show up.

I have seen far too many young people who want to get out of high school and find “the one.”

I’ve seen many more sit around and ask why God is not sending them “the one” when they are literally doing nothing productive with their lives at all.

I understand that in this day and age it’s difficult. I have a pretty major beef actually with the fact that the way society is set up, people can’t even CONSIDER getting married until around 25-30. I understand that this is frustrating. But USE THE TIME to become more appealing and ready for your future spouse and who knows, you might even meet them along the way.

Get a college education (no… don’t do that. Don’t listen to me, please) or get a job at least. Sure, start at McDonald’s if you have to, but always try to be moving up. Become a Shift Lead if you can’t find another job that’s better and then try for the Assistant Manager, etc. Who cares if that’s your job, if you make money, it’s a good one. (And trust me men, women are more concerned with the fact that men HAVE a “decent” job than they are that it’s at a restaurant or a Starbucks).

If you’re a guy? Get your life more together. Press into God more. Learn as many skills as you can with tools, weapons (why not?) Cooking some simple meals for yourself and (let’s be honest here,) Stop your porn addiction. I know how hard it is in this day and age with it being so accessible, trust me. But seriously, GET HELP for that. Because one of the biggest lies that the enemy wants to tell all single men is that “they’re doing it because they don’t have anyone and when they do it will stop.” There is not a SHRED of evidence that this stops after marriage, in fact in many cases it became worse and eventually led to other things (look at Josh Duggar, but he’s literally only one example) Every person that I have ever met who told themselves this lie is worse off now than they were when they got married. It’s a lie and it needs to be taken care of. Because the addiction is not about “your lack of partner” it’s about you liking porn.

If you’re  a girl. Do some similar things. Learn how to cook (big one, trust me ladies) Even if it’s some simple meals or things that you don’t need to do a lot of work for. I have some amazingly simple recipes that I can share some time consuming, some not that will keep your future husband at least a bit happy. Practice keeping your house clean, practice being kind to others. Babysit, etc. All things in preparation for being a wife/ mom. ALSO get a job, ALSO pursue dreams, etc.

DO NOT BE the person who sits around and plays video games 24/7 or even for four hours a day and expect that God is going to send you a wife/ husband.

#3. 
DATE.

FREAKING DATE. DATE A LOT. DATE OFTEN. DATE ALL OF THE FREAKING TIME.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM!?

I never understand this generation of people who think that there’s some kind of “shame” in dating. DO you “Kiss Dating Goodbye?” Well, DON’T! Maybe do it in the sense that you don’t serially “have relationships” but don’t stop DATING!

Here’s the thing. Dating is a GOOD thing. It helps you to understand who/ what you want in a person.

And the way you do it is this- You approach it as if you are going to “get to know someone”. You go out, have coffee, go to a movie, then you go with someone else. Then you go with someone else. You have close friends who may or may NOT eventually become relationships. DO NOT RUSH THINGS. Just date. Heck, date fifty times a month if you have to! No Kissing, no holding hands, no immediate talk of your future together, no acting like this is “A RELATIONSHIP IN THE MAKING” … just a date.

But seriously, don’t be afraid of it unless you know of a reason why you can’t do it. (I understand those and they are valid- you don’t have self control, etc). But if you can maintain a clear thought in your head about it “JUST GETTING TO KNOW RACHEL/ TAYLOR” then DO IT! Have fun and learn learn learn.

#4. 
Don’t be Afraid.

Those things that the devil tells you, “what if it doesn’t work out?” “What if he’s/she’s a weirdo?” “I don’t like THAT thing that they do!” … it’s a bunch of bullcrap. No one is going to be perfect and every last person is at risk for ANY NUMBER of things. You are literally never safe. You heard me. You ARE NOT SAFE.

Love is a risk, so is marriage, so is life, so is family, etc. The ONLY thing you can do is you.

Which leads me to

fear
#5.

Stop believing that things will be “good” when you find that person.

I hate to say it, but we put too much emphasis on “love” in this day and age. I’m not talking about TRUE love. I’m talking about the kind of love that you know about… the one from the movies… the one from Game of Thrones. The one from every Chick Flick on the planet. That kind of love that’s really… well, let’s call it what it is … lust. Or emotions. Or fleeting feelings of attraction and infatuation.

All of which are symptoms of / part of love (or can be). But they are not REAL love. REAL love is HARD WORK and I’m sorry if no one ever told you that, but it’s the truth. Real love not only takes time, and your best behavior, but it WILL NOT grow unless you nurture it, feed it, strengthen it, and WORK WORK WORK for it.

You can not marry someone and expect love to just “happen” or “stick around”…

REAL love is sleeping next to a man (or woman hehehehe) who snores and keeps you up all night. Real love is cleaning up their vomit when they’re sick as a dog and their head is in the toilet. Real love is being with them when they get fat and agreeing with yourself that you’re going to stick by them anyways. REAL love is holding them when they’re afraid or in trauma. Real love is sticking beside them if they lose a limb and being with them til death, (you know, like you promised?) Real love is deciding (like in my case) that if they have a disease that prevents them from having sex with you that you not only DO NOT go seeking out other men/ women (or porn 😛 )but you stand by them, find ways around the issue, and support the person who is sick. REAL LOVE is watching the BOTH of you grow old… and die.

REAL LOVE IS SELFLESS
REAL LOVE IS DEDICATION
REAL LOVE IS SACRIFICE

REAL LOVE has NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU… it has EVERYTHING to do with WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM.

They WILL NOT fix you. You CAN NOT fix them. They WILL NOT make you happy / take away the pan. You CAN NOT make THEM happy / take away THEIR pain.

Real love is acceptance.

Love is not a feeling. It’s saying yes and then doing the “yes” part til death.

Unfortunately, that is the truth and unfortunately, people in this generation have no clue what real love is and they move on from boyfriend to boyfriend or even spouse to spouse “promising” something that they can never give because they do not understand that the issue is in themselves and their misunderstandings of “love”

After all, it’s “patient, kind, etc… 1 Cor 13”

#6.
Don’t be Creepy, Dude…

Or girl. If you get the sense that a person is NOT interested… STOP bugging them. Seriously… like stop…

I’ve seen both men AND women go after a person that is obviously NOT the one and obviously has NO interest in them almost from the start. Just… stop… Be their friend.

Which leads me to number

#7. 
Stop crying “Friend Zoned”

Every time someone decides that they just want to be your friend, accept it as fact and move on.

You are not in some “prison” … you are having a “normal life” where people GET to choose whether they want to be your spouse and / or boy/girlfriend. They are allowed to, it is their right.

Crying “I’ve been FRIENDZONEEEEDDDDDD” is just harboring bitter for something that you have no control over and frankly, you shouldn’t… After all… Deus Vult 😉

Don’t cry over some invisible zone. Realize that God has something else / better for you.

tales from the friend zone

#8. 
Do NOT be the person who is just eternally “indecisive”

This is horribly unattractive.

“I like you… Well, maybe I don’t. No. You’re really pretty… I don’t like you tho. I don’t really want to be in a relationship with you… You’re definitely the one… maybe I was wrong.”

STOP IT!

Make a decision and stop messing with people AND yourself.
“Let your yes be yes and your no be no”

Oh, and stop blaming it on God. That is definitely, unequivocally 190% YOU.

Be CAREFUL how you treat others who are near you. Don’t let someone spend lots of time alone with you that you know has feelings for you and act super friendly with them only to tell them that you are not interested in the long term. That’s just your selfishness and enjoying the “attention.”

love

#9. 
No… God did not “tell you”

This one needs to stop. Seriously. It is honestly THE WORST thing I’ve seen in churches when it comes to marriage/ relationships, etc.

It does SO MUCH HARM! Playing “match maker” or “Marriage prophet” is a BIG NO NO NO NO NO … and it applies to YOU personally too.

Have I seen it happen? Yes. Have I seen it happen lots? No. I have seen probably 10,000 cases of “God told me marry so and so” and maybe THREE instances in which it was actually truth.

My dad (who is prophetic) has a good policy, “NEVER PROPHECY IN MARRIAGE”… good one.

MOST of the time, when a person feels that “god” is telling them that Anna suchandsuchy is their wife, they are 100% wrong. It’s NOT God. It FEELS like God because it’s what the person wants to hear, but in actuality, it’s them. It’s what THEY want. Or, if it’s not, it’s them looking for an answer and attributing something to God that’s not God.

This goes back to #1… “THE ONE” – God told me that “SHE/HE is THE ONE”… more than likely? No He didn’t. You can believe that He did… but I’ve seen MANY of these “God told me’s” turn into divorce and unhappiness.

Because again, they don’t understand “love” …

Don’t tell someone that God told you about THEIR future spouse either. He may have, but do NOT share the who’s why’s how’s… that’s not your job. If God wills it, it will happen.

I could tell you countless stories *SMH* … Just… train wrecks.

TLDR
TL:DR
#1.  Be open, there is no “the one” Be MINDFUL

#2.  PREPARE / get your life together

#3. Date, lots. Don’t throw your heart around, just spend time with people.

#4. Drop fear. Admit that you’re afraid of commitment and stop it.

#5. Stop believing lies about love. It’s selfless and love is about YOU, not them.

#6. Move on. They’re not into you.

#7. Stop with the “Friend zone” thing.

#8. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Stop with indecisiveness

#9 God didn’t tell you who your spouse is, so don’t believe it

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4 thoughts on “FINDING THE ONE :D :D :D *hearts*

  1. “Friend Zone”: The single most unfortunate phrase coined by the wired and connected. After 29 years of “In sickness and in health”, which we both took seriously to heart, I was left alone, to either slump-walk from the house to her grave, and back, or to embrace friendships. My beloved much prefers that I embrace friendships. There is no second round of “The One”.

  2. Here is my only critique, the rest I agree with
    (despite the fact that personally I’ve decided to stop trying to date or make new friends for the time being):
    In a previous blog you stated the following:
    ========
    “Sure, I should be “stronger,” but ultimately those are all things that God is working out in me and it’s day by day (sometimes minute by minute) you fall, pick yourself up, fall…etc.

    This (soft core porn struggle) is a problem that I’ve had off and on since I was probably… fifteen and you know what it started with? (Take a crack at it)

    MOVIES! :D”
    =========
    While I agreed with your assessment, I find it odd that you could struggle with “soft core” porn, and at the same time, seem to only relate a porn problem to men, and quite negatively, in this blog. I’d add that women also look at porn, as well, thought still for the most part women’s porn is most likely related to the story in movies and in books, fairy tales or erotica. Does the fact that this “lust” is not visual or doesn’t show penetration and two people fully nude make it “less” of a sin?

    I think men would be a lot more open to addictions if they didn’t feel judged so harshly. In my experience, it seems like with emotional issues and struggles, women get a lot more sympathy but when men struggle, well.. they are just not “strong enough”, they arent begin the “godly leader”.. and so forth. They just need to “man up”. I think the real problem, in addition to addiction, is that many of us do not really know what is it to walk alongside another. Sure if they are nice and clean, but if they have baggage or they find out our baggage, we pack up and leave. I’ve noticed this in my own friendships, especially with females, that if I reveal something personal or they reveal something to me, after, they tend to stop talking to me. Actually… I hadnt really put this together until writing this reply. And its kind of odd, since typically people would think it is the guy who would run away.

    And no, I am not saying porn or any other addiction is ok, I’m saying we need to truly understand that sin is sin, it is anything that separates us from God, and though some sins may have more drastic effects, we easily can run the risk when we see our sin as less or anothers sin as so much greater than our own. We too easily become the Pharisee pointing fingers at others, perhaps so we dont have to face our own sin, our own devils.

    And I hope this doesnt come across as an attack on you, more like what I read made me think about these things. About how much work we all have to do, hopefully together, to rid ourselves of sin, follow Christ; single or married, male or female, and despite a myriad of other differences that we tend to use to divide ourselves.

    Blessings,
    ~ Doubledb

    • Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa, lemme stop you right there… I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce had BY FAR the best-

      Nah, I’m jus’ playin’

      I’m going to be honest, I only read about half of this because it doesn’t apply.

      I’m not trying to be mean, but this was written for a larger audience/ group of people who know that I absolutely attribute porn addiction to both sides of the coin. ^_^ (men and women) But men seem to (on a whole) struggle with it more deeply and into marriage (that makes sense, men are more ‘physically’ attracted to women. That’s just science).

      I think you remember many of my earlier blogs and recall that I absolutely attribute this issue to both men and women.

      ^_^

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