Yes, I’m being a jerk, and yes, I’m sorry.

I told someone last night that I should write a “FAQ” about my illness and how I feel and why I am so upset with life and with God recently… Here are some common questions and thoughts from others and my answers. So here it goes.

(THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS A GRAPHIC IMAGE OF A WOMAN’S ANATOMY… IT’S A DRAWING… NOT a REAL photo. It’s akin to something you’d see in a school book explaining parts and pieces. If you think this will upset or trigger you, don’t read any further.)

1. Are you okay?

A. No. Quite frankly, I haven’t been “okay” for about 3 years now.

2. Have you seen a doctor?

A. About 20… yes. Lots of $$$, lots of time wasted to basically be told that not much can be done for me.

3. There’s nothing that can be done?

A. There are “things that I can do” to “possibly lessen the pain” but it’s a day to day thing.

4. I couldn’t do it.

A. I have no choice…

5. Have you heard of “this” medicine/ drug?

A. Yes. I’ve pretty much heard of “all of them.” Occasionally, someone says something that I haven’t heard of, but it’s rare.

6. Can you have sex?

A. Occasionally, but about 95% of the time it’s VERY painful and can not last long.

7. What’s the pain like?

A. Think sunburn… on my genitals.

8. Geez, when did this all start?

A. https://lkjslain.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/hello-my-name-is-lisa-and-im-a-chronic-pain-sufferer/

9. Where exactly IS the pain? I don’t understand.

A. (WARNING, graphic image below. I apologize for it, but there’s no way to ANSWER this question without finding a drawing and highlighting. I have reddened the areas that I most often experience pain. AGAIN this is JUST a drawing.)

10. What is this condition called?

A. Vulvar Vestibulitis. And/ or Vulvodynia.

11. I’m dumb, what does that mean?

A. Basically, vestibulitis is when the pain ONLY affects the vestibule (pictured above), however, Vulvodynia means that sometimes it hurts in other places too.

12. Why is there a big red mark on the upper area? Isn’t that like your stomach?

A. Because it turns out that I might ALSO have IC. (interstitial cystitis)

13. What is that?

A. It’s a painful bladder disease that usually goes hand in hand with Vestibulitis and Vulvodynia as well as pelvic floor dysfunction, IBS, and a slew of other things. 😛

14. Are you angry?

A. Irate. I was one of those “weird people” who actually WAITED for sex for marriage. I wasn’t some “angel with a halo” but I never did that. That’s not to mention that pretty much nothing in my life is working out or HAS worked out, so literally I just sit here and be depressed and hurt a lot (physically and emotionally)

15. You should just stop complaining, it could be a lot worse.

A. I’m sure it could be. In fact, every time that I’ve thought this, it eventually DOES get a LOT worse! 😀

16. There’s some reason you’re going through this.

A. No s**t, Sherlock. There’s “some” reason that anyone goes through “anything”… in fact, if there weren’t a God, it’d still be happening for a reason. Unfortunately, I just haven’t figured out what that is yet.

17. How long have you been going through this?

A. Almost 3 years.

18. Have you tried… ________

A. Yes. I’m not trying to be rude, but yes… We “chronic pain sufferers” have a very difficult time NOT trying to figure ourselves out. We become little scientists. I have spent countless hours READING, TRYING TO FIND, RESEARCHING… I have tried a LOT of things. Not everything mind you… but everything lol.

19. You know, Apple Cider Vinegar is supposed to do wonders.

A. IT REALLY IS! :D:D:D And I drink it probably 5 times a week! 😀 Yes, the real stuff with the “mother”

20. How’s your marriage?

A. Suffering. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it doesn’t last, but I am still hopeful.

21. You know, I think you hold a lot of anger and bitterness in your heart.

A. You’re probably right. YOU TRY being in this situation for almost three years and NOT being angry and bitter.

22. I think you’re sick because of _______ ______ ______

A. Ge, you know, you’re probably right. I’ll get right on forgiving every last person who ever hurt me, saying 30 hail Mary’s, eating only fish, and dirt, and being kind, loving and compassionate to everyone I meet. LOL… Oh WAIT! I am ALREADY serving everyone that I know. In fact, so much so that almost EVERYONE comes before I do! 😀 -_-

23. Have you read _____________________________

A. Spare me. I’m not trying to be mean, but seriously… spare me. I have “read” “Listened to” “Heard” ETC ETC ETC

24. Well, if you’re going to have that attitude, nothing is going to change.

A. Look… I have and WILL read your darn books and listen to your tapes… frankly, I’ve heard pretty much nothing new about the situation… and in the end, all I ever get is “there’s some reason you’re going through this, and God is good, and you obviously haven’t tried everything”… -_- Yeah, thanks…

25. You need to pray and read your bible more.

A. I couldn’t agree more… but God doesn’t have a “heal Lisa quota.” He’s not sitting in heaven saying, “Lisa will be healed ONCE she reads all of this and that and says some prayers.” BTW, I am working on that anyways.

26. This whole post sounds really angry.

A. Honestly? I’m having a bad few days… Part of my problem is that I have been in “flare” pain now for about a month and I have seen very little relief. Everything hurts and I am just tired. I can barely sleep at night. So, I REALLY DO apologize for sounding angry, depressed, scared, and anxious. I am and there’s nothing more to it.

27. You know, you can do “other things” other than sex to “keep hubby happy”

A… Yes, because what I want is to “keep him happy” while I sit here and be in pain. Can you imagine? Also, being “aroused” hurts sometimes so I avoid even “giving” pleasure often. AND… There are also other physical issues that do not aid this situation well. BTW, also… it’s EXTREMELY shameful and difficult to be in the middle of. You feel like everything is wrong with you. You’re “broken.”

29. Marriage isn’t about sex, you can have intimacy other ways…

A. Yes, but marriage is HARD when one person is in sexual pain all of the time.

30. Were you raped?

A. No. But I did have some traumatic stuff happen when I was young that honestly? Mentally makes this situation VERY difficult on me.

31. Well, you just have all of the excuses, don’t you?

A. I don’t have “all of the excuses”… I WAS SUPPOSED to be able to have sex! The bible even talks about not “denying” one another… well, what about this? How am I supposed to justify my thoughts on this? -_-

32. Maybe you just need to relax / take a break.

A. Yup… from life. But that’s not going to happen. Actually, I have to get a job soon. -_- *supposed to avoid stress*

33. God wants you to be healed, He WANTS to heal you and your marriage… Why can’t you accept that?

A. I HAVE accepted that. I have accepted it multiple times and then long periods go by where things just get worse… If He WANTED to do it, He’d have done it.

34. You know, God will never give you more than you can handle. So you can probably handle this.

A. You know, thanks, brosif… Hey, real quickly, do me a favor and tell me what verse that is! 😛 (hint, it’s not in the bible… the whole ‘god will never give you more…’ nonsense is just that… nonsense. The scripture you’re looking for is 1 Cor 10:13, which states simply that He will provide a way out of temptation)

35. Well, there’s a reason.

A. Yup… now we start all over again.

—- SIDE NOTE / PS…
Doctors are pretty sure that on top of everything else I have PCOS too… so I might not be able to conceive either… <sigh> life.

A Bit of Truth, I hated Negan.

And it seems that I am the only one/ the odd man out and that’s okay.

But I thought about it all last night and I just had to make a post about it.

The world stood still Sunday night as pretty much the most watched television show aired it’s final episode of it’s sixth season running since 2010. The Walking Dead.

Now, I will state that I am coming from a place of already disliking a lot of things that have happened this season. I felt that in regards to the world that has been created and the general rules set up for the show things have just taken some weird as all get out turns. Turns that in all reality don’t make a whole lot of sense, and if they do, or could be explained, the writers have chosen not to do so. (Some of my issues include but are not limited to – the burst of people all in one area, the Richonne thing and how it happened when five minutes ago, Rick was drooling over someone else and then she got eaten alive…in front of him… the sort of rut that they’re in that seems to be repeating itself with the way certain characters behave, Carol’s… melt…down?)

And guess what? I still like the show, and I am still interested to see where it’s going. So all of you hardcore fans who will defend it to death, don’t worry, I’m not “spanking your baby”… I am merely stating that (perhaps) as a writer I see the issues that they are facing and I understand some of them as this is season six… Many and most shows don’t even make it this far and once they do, they are bound to start having shakier legs to stand on. ESPECIALLY when those legs are always running from the gross and gooky undead. XD

But anyways, let’s get back to the man of the hour (and a half >_> … or rather, the man of the entire season)… NEGAN!!!

SPOILERS BELOW if you have NOT seen the finale yet. ————————-

You know, we all knew that it was coming. We knew because we know the comics and we knew because heck, they’ve been hinting at it for what like… ten episodes or something now? Fifteen? I’ve lost count. ANYWAYS, we felt it…

And I’ll admit, I was scared when our beloved crew ran into a giant gang comprised of mostly “men” … you know, just like casually whistling a tune. That crap was freekay! But when they stopped whistling and the spot light was turned on and they were all, “HEY HEY HERE COMES NEGAN!!!” I was actually severely let down. I knew WHO I was expecting because I knew who was cast, so his overall appearance wasn’t a shock to me, (although I have to be honest, I personally would have gone with someone who was far more “built” and square in the face,) but when he opened his mouth, everything after, “Hi, I’m Negan” fell entirely flat for me.

Womp womp wompppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp…

I know, I know. So many people are going “What?! How! It was so scary! The tension was palpable! The air was so thick you could slice it with a knife!”

Well, yes… And honestly, I think that that was the only thing that actually “made Negan scary” …

I realized after watching it and after my heart had been pounding nearly out of my chest for the first 30ish seconds that he was on screen that the MORE that he was on screen, the more that I didn’t feel that afraid of him… in fact, the more that I was actually okay with him… and even a little comfortable with him.

The SCARY part actually had very little to do with him. It had to do with the general feeling of “no escape” “Maggie’s hurt/ hurting” “Glenn is terrified” “surrounded” “nighttime, so harder to see” “everyone on their knees” “weird whistlers” etc…

No, actually I want to say that after he started to speak, I truly found “Negan” to not be all that intimidating at all. He sort of lumbered around with this walk as if maybe he was a bit drunk. (maybe he was lol) and said… well, let’s be honest… he said a LOT… Like,  a WAY lot… Like… a lot a lot… Like… so much that I was actually bored towards the end.

I mean, I wonder at times who’s fault things like extensive monologuing actually are? The writers? The directors? The multiple times they took a shot? The actor? Did Jeffrey Dean Morgan say, “Sure, I’ll play your Negan, but only if you give me ten straight minutes of talking at the end of the finale?” … what?

I felt (overall) that his character was a bust. I was more afraid of his “lackey” (the balding guy who introduced him) then I was of Jeffrey Dean Morgan… And honestly? I feel that this was a BIG mistake on the writer/director’s behalf.

In my opinion, when you’re going to introduce the “baddiest bad bad dude of them all,” you do NOT give your audience “time” to get comfortable with him. All of that hype, only to be met with several minutes of talking and saying the same crap over and over again.

And the fact that in his first few lines he said something about pee pee? Really?! “Pee pee city” ? I think it was? I get the intent, I really do. The intent was to make everyone seem infantile and fearful. But when you are the guy with the barbed bat and like… I donno 60 other beefy whistling dudes to back you up if something goes awry, I don’t think that all of the peepee poopoo talk is necessary. >_> It’s pretty evident at that point.

Then came the longest freaking monologue in bad dude history… Like, DUDE… this guy just talked in circles for several minutes. I lost count of how many times he said, “I’m not going to kill you BUT…” “I’m not going to kill you I need workers…” “I’m not going to kill you but… pee pee city…” “I’m not going to kill you but…” “I’m NOT going to KILL you but…” “erm nert gerrin’ ter ker ryer berrrrrt…” >_> *smile smile, smirk, grin*… Yeah, I wasn’t having it.

I honestly think this dude would have been more frightening if he had said a few words then just flat out began swinging out of no where.

But that’s just me. Midway through his monologue I stopped being afraid/ heart stopped pounding and I started really just being confused… “What? He’s still talking? Does he need to prove himself or something? Again.. .there’s like 60 beefy whistlers backing him up… heh… he doesn’t really seem that threatening anymore if he needs 60 dudes and he needs to monologue for 10 minutes straight and talk in circles…”

And no offense to Jeffrey Dean Morgan… I’m sure he’s a nice guy… but that’s the problem. I’m SURE that he’s a nice guy… I honestly didn’t feel that the delivery of many of his lines made him threatening. I felt like everything from his body language down to his tones and his smiling/ smirking felt off. This is acting 101… this is why method acting is so important to actors ESPECIALLY those who want to be “the baddies” … Unfortunately, having done method acting now, I can often tell when people are “putting on a show” for the camera. Jeffrey isn’t really a bad guy and I can tell that because I didn’t believe for one second that he actually wanted to hurt any of them after a few minutes.

(THIS was more scary…)

I recall when my acting coach use to tell us to play the intention and said things like, “intimidate them” and the person who was doing the “intimidating” would get close and say something mildly offensive. My coach would come over, press the two body to body, and have them glare at one another still pressed together. Uncomfortable? Exactly.

I am hoping and praying that they do something else with this guy because at this time? He’s a really non-threatening monologer in my book >_>

OUT –