Yes, I’m being a jerk, and yes, I’m sorry.

I told someone last night that I should write a “FAQ” about my illness and how I feel and why I am so upset with life and with God recently… Here are some common questions and thoughts from others and my answers. So here it goes.

(THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS A GRAPHIC IMAGE OF A WOMAN’S ANATOMY… IT’S A DRAWING… NOT a REAL photo. It’s akin to something you’d see in a school book explaining parts and pieces. If you think this will upset or trigger you, don’t read any further.)

1. Are you okay?

A. No. Quite frankly, I haven’t been “okay” for about 3 years now.

2. Have you seen a doctor?

A. About 20… yes. Lots of $$$, lots of time wasted to basically be told that not much can be done for me.

3. There’s nothing that can be done?

A. There are “things that I can do” to “possibly lessen the pain” but it’s a day to day thing.

4. I couldn’t do it.

A. I have no choice…

5. Have you heard of “this” medicine/ drug?

A. Yes. I’ve pretty much heard of “all of them.” Occasionally, someone says something that I haven’t heard of, but it’s rare.

6. Can you have sex?

A. Occasionally, but about 95% of the time it’s VERY painful and can not last long.

Sad couple having an argument

7. What’s the pain like?

A. Think sunburn… on my genitals.

8. Geez, when did this all start?

A.ย https://lkjslain.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/hello-my-name-is-lisa-and-im-a-chronic-pain-sufferer/

9. Where exactly IS the pain? I don’t understand.

A. (WARNING, graphic image below. I apologize for it, but there’s no way to ANSWER this question without finding a drawing and highlighting. I have reddened the areas that I most often experience pain. AGAIN this is JUST a drawing.)

Vulva

10. What is this condition called?

A. Vulvar Vestibulitis. And/ or Vulvodynia.

11. I’m dumb, what does that mean?

A. Basically, vestibulitis is when the pain ONLY affects the vestibule (pictured above), however, Vulvodynia means that sometimes it hurts in other places too.

12. Why is there a big red mark on the upper area? Isn’t that like your stomach?

A. Because it turns out that I might ALSO have IC. (interstitial cystitis)

13. What is that?

A. It’s a painful bladder disease that usually goes hand in hand with Vestibulitis and Vulvodynia as well as pelvic floor dysfunction, IBS, and a slew of other things. ๐Ÿ˜›

14. Are you angry?

A. Irate. I was one of those “weird people” who actually WAITED for sex for marriage. I wasn’t some “angel with a halo” but I never did that. That’s not to mention that pretty much nothing in my life is working out or HAS worked out, so literally I just sit here and be depressed and hurt a lot (physically and emotionally)

15. You should just stop complaining, it could be a lot worse.

A. I’m sure it could be. In fact, every time that I’ve thought this, it eventually DOES get a LOT worse! ๐Ÿ˜€

16. There’s some reason you’re going through this.

A. No s**t, Sherlock. There’s “some” reason that anyone goes through “anything”… in fact, if there weren’t a God, it’d still be happening for a reason. Unfortunately, I just haven’t figured out what that is yet.

17. How long have you been going through this?

A. Almost 3 years.

18. Have you tried… ________

A. Yes. I’m not trying to be rude, but yes… We “chronic pain sufferers” have a very difficult time NOT trying to figure ourselves out. We become little scientists. I have spent countless hours READING, TRYING TO FIND, RESEARCHING… I have tried a LOT of things. Not everything mind you… but everything lol.

19. You know, Apple Cider Vinegar is supposed to do wonders.

A. IT REALLY IS! :D:D:D And I drink it probably 5 times a week! ๐Ÿ˜€ Yes, the real stuff with the “mother”

20. How’s your marriage?

A. Suffering. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it doesn’t last, but I am still hopeful.

21. You know, I think you hold a lot of anger and bitterness in your heart.

A. You’re probably right. YOU TRY being in this situation for almost three years and NOT being angry and bitter.

22. I think you’re sick because of _______ ______ ______

A. Ge, you know, you’re probably right. I’ll get right on forgiving every last person who ever hurt me, saying 30 hail Mary’s, eating only fish, and dirt, and being kind, loving and compassionate to everyone I meet. LOL… Oh WAIT! I am ALREADY serving everyone that I know. In fact, so much so that almost EVERYONE comes before I do! ๐Ÿ˜€ -_-

23. Have you read _____________________________

A. Spare me. I’m not trying to be mean, but seriously… spare me. I have “read” “Listened to” “Heard” ETC ETC ETC

24. Well, if you’re going to have that attitude, nothing is going to change.

A. Look… I have and WILL read your darn books and listen to your tapes… frankly, I’ve heard pretty much nothing new about the situation… and in the end, all I ever get is “there’s some reason you’re going through this, and God is good, and you obviously haven’t tried everything”… -_- Yeah, thanks…

25. You need to pray and read your bible more.

A. I couldn’t agree more… but God doesn’t have a “heal Lisa quota.” He’s not sitting in heaven saying, “Lisa will be healed ONCE she reads all of this and that and says some prayers.” BTW, I am working on that anyways.

26. This whole post sounds really angry.

A. Honestly? I’m having a bad few days… Part of my problem is that I have been in “flare” pain now for about a month and I have seen very little relief. Everything hurts and I am just tired. I can barely sleep at night. So, I REALLY DO apologize for sounding angry, depressed, scared, and anxious. I am and there’s nothing more to it.

27. You know, you can do “other things” other than sex to “keep hubby happy”

A… Yes, because what I want is to “keep him happy” while I sit here and be in pain. Can you imagine? Also, being “aroused” hurts sometimes so I avoid even “giving” pleasure often. AND… There are also other physical issues that do not aid this situation well. BTW, also… it’s EXTREMELY shameful and difficult to be in the middle of. You feel like everything is wrong with you. You’re “broken.”

images (1)

29. Marriage isn’t about sex, you can have intimacy other ways…

A. Yes, but marriage is HARD when one person is in sexual pain all of the time.

30. Were you raped?

A. No. But I did have some traumatic stuff happen when I was young that honestly? Mentally makes this situation VERY difficult on me.

31. Well, you just have all of the excuses, don’t you?

A. I don’t have “all of the excuses”… I WAS SUPPOSED to be able to have sex! The bible even talks about not “denying” one another… well, what about this? How am I supposed to justify my thoughts on this? -_-

32. Maybe you just need to relax / take a break.

A. Yup… from life. But that’s not going to happen. Actually, I have to get a job soon. -_- *supposed to avoid stress*

33. God wants you to be healed, He WANTS to heal you and your marriage… Why can’t you accept that?

A. I HAVE accepted that. I have accepted it multiple times and then long periods go by where things just get worse… If He WANTED to do it, He’d have done it.

34. You know, God will never give you more than you can handle. So you can probably handle this.

A. You know, thanks, brosif… Hey, real quickly, do me a favor and tell me what verse that is! ๐Ÿ˜› (hint, it’s not in the bible… the whole ‘god will never give you more…’ nonsense is just that… nonsense. The scripture you’re looking for isย 1 Cor 10:13, which states simply that He will provide a way out of temptation)

35. Well, there’s a reason.

A. Yup… now we start all over again.

—- SIDE NOTE / PS…
Doctors are pretty sure that on top of everything else I have PCOS too… so I might not be able to conceive either… <sigh> life.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Yes, I’m being a jerk, and yes, I’m sorry.

  1. I like this. It’s raw, it’s honest, and it really gives an insight into what you’re going through. I know, duh, that’s the point.

    Maybe, on a day when you’re feeling a little better, you could write a blog about things people can say that WOULD be helpful, or at least not so demeaning toward your condition, you know? And I don’t say that with an ounce of sarcasm.

    Sometimes that can be the most exhausting thing: 1. figuring out what you need from others (if anything), and 2. expressing this to multiple people over and over again. How can others help to make you feel better? Does it make you feel better when people just leave you alone about it? Stuff like that. โค

    • Oh goodness, yes.

      Sometimes you’re in so deep that you can’t even think WHAT you want.

      I agree, and I honestly am sorry for being “ticked” earlier.

  2. You are not the jerk, above. “God led you to it, He’ll get you through it” was a saying of Black slaves, looking for the light. You’re right, it appears nowhere in Scripture.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s