Going inside and Shutting the Door.

Going to be candid here… if that bothers you, move on. I don’t have time for bull right now.

Often I wonder how I got to where I’m at…

How is it that I am who I am?

I told my mother the other day that not a single thing that I’ve done in my life has been a “success” … and while this statement is a bit of an exaggeration… (did I complete ONE class in college and get an A, yes… did I walk up to the front of the congregation one time and play the piano stunning and awe-ing everyone watching WITHOUT any music? Yes. – I was 7- Did I finish a few novels that have never been published and hardly anyone on the planet will read? Sure…) But what is all of that if nothing has come of it, and almost everything else has been a failure?

I have been fired from or let go of nearly every single job that I’ve ever had… I could list them and tell you things… but that would be pointless I think. I’ll only say that in almost every case, I believe that I was treated unfairly as I truly and completely did everything that I could to be a better employee.

I never graduated high school… although I DID get a GED (barely.) And not a single one of my dreams has ever come true… (Except for marrying my darling husband who most of the time I feel I am a complete and total burden on…)

But it’s actually much worse than that…

Most of my life, I have suffered… firstly with mental illness (nothing dangerous, just difficult enough to way on me 24/7…) and secondly with actual physical illness…

I could list everything that’s wrong with me, but it’s silly… I’ll name a few things – I have IBS which is tearing my body apart as I write this… I am starving, and afraid to eat, because eating often means that I get sick from eating… Even if I eat bland or mild food that doesn’t normally make me sick. Wonderful, right?

I have Vulvar vestibulitis which is a horrible female disease in my genitals which (from having diarrhea earlier) is ALSO wreaking havoc on my body at the moment as everything “down there” has been filled with trauma and acid. This disease often gives me constant pain in my vagina (not always) and makes it impossible to be intimate with my partner. My husband… the man I married. Whom, btw, I waited for UNTIL I was married to have sex with.

Remember, I have many other things wrong with me… I’m just not going to bother listing them atm…

And yet… somehow, I can not help but feel like everything and everywhere that I am at is all my fault… Somehow, I have done something in my life to make my body hate me…

I can’t ever help but feeling (as I sit here, cry, and hurt very very badly) that everything that is happening makes me a disappointment and a failure. I am a disappointing friend because I can’t ever FULLY be there for someone. I am a disappointing employee, now more than ever because I’m probably about to turn a job down because I am unsure based on how my health is acting right now that I can handle it… and I am a disappointing person. Maybe if not to “everyone else” … to me. Even if it’s not “my fault” … I am disappointing.

Let’s also include the fact that for whatever reason, I have never seemed to have many close friends, and I can’t seem to keep those who are close close at all, even though at times I feel like the doormat who serves everyone.

I hate where I am in life…

And sometimes, I am okay and I have some time to be okay… And other times I just want to go inside and shut the door… and not ever come out again. I have been in that stage of just wanting to be alone and close the door for about two weeks now and honestly? I am unsure of whether or not I will be coming out of it anytime soon.

I HATE the fact that there is no self help book… no bible verse, etc… that is going to help me right now.

The bible is good, and true, and makes things a little “easier”…but my physical health continues to deteriorate and sap years of what is left of my youth away… and as that happens… I get to watch everyone else carry on with their lives…

I am beyond broken, and as I have repeatedly cried out to God, I have never truly found an answer for what I am to do, who I am to be, etc… just broken I guess…

dppr

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2 thoughts on “Going inside and Shutting the Door.

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