FINDING THE ONE :D :D :D *hearts*

I don’t actually know how. LOL… I’m not an expert in relationship thinggssss

But I am a bit older than most of my friends, I’m married, and I have a bit of experience these arenas and I can tell you a few things about what I see today.

People believe a lot of stuff about love, romance and marriage that is just not true.

I’ve written about this before but sometimes it just needs to be repeated.

#1
If you want to find a spouse, you need to stop putting so much emphasis on “THE ONE” …

Your spouse isn’t Neo… or Jet Li. He/she is nobody, really. Or anybody.

For years now, the church has made the mistake of letting people put a LOT of emphasis on the idea of “the one” when it comes to a spouse. The idea that there’s some mystical person that God has set aside specifically FOR you… ooooohhhhh… There’s actually very little truth to this. In the bible, this happened very rarely and when it did happen, it was because major events in the world were about to unfold (like… the birth of Christ) and even in the situation of Christ, God simply CONFIRMED that they should be together. The bible doesn’t really indicate that He said, “Hey, see that girl over there? Marry Mary! Buah! Marry Mary…hehehe.” – First Joseph asked and then an angel appeared to them both.

The idea that there is a “one” is more an idea of “destiny” / “fate” which is far more mystical than Christian.

Now I’m not saying that you can’t feel that God is leading you to wait, or something, but I can tell you that a lot of people who have just decided to “wait” are usually the ones who are “scared” and end up waiting most of their living lives.

The one
(Pay attention… he wasn’t “THEE one”)

#2
Don’t for one moment believe that it’s not YOUR job to get prepared/ ready for a spouse before they show up.

I have seen far too many young people who want to get out of high school and find “the one.”

I’ve seen many more sit around and ask why God is not sending them “the one” when they are literally doing nothing productive with their lives at all.

I understand that in this day and age it’s difficult. I have a pretty major beef actually with the fact that the way society is set up, people can’t even CONSIDER getting married until around 25-30. I understand that this is frustrating. But USE THE TIME to become more appealing and ready for your future spouse and who knows, you might even meet them along the way.

Get a college education (no… don’t do that. Don’t listen to me, please) or get a job at least. Sure, start at McDonald’s if you have to, but always try to be moving up. Become a Shift Lead if you can’t find another job that’s better and then try for the Assistant Manager, etc. Who cares if that’s your job, if you make money, it’s a good one. (And trust me men, women are more concerned with the fact that men HAVE a “decent” job than they are that it’s at a restaurant or a Starbucks).

If you’re a guy? Get your life more together. Press into God more. Learn as many skills as you can with tools, weapons (why not?) Cooking some simple meals for yourself and (let’s be honest here,) Stop your porn addiction. I know how hard it is in this day and age with it being so accessible, trust me. But seriously, GET HELP for that. Because one of the biggest lies that the enemy wants to tell all single men is that “they’re doing it because they don’t have anyone and when they do it will stop.” There is not a SHRED of evidence that this stops after marriage, in fact in many cases it became worse and eventually led to other things (look at Josh Duggar, but he’s literally only one example) Every person that I have ever met who told themselves this lie is worse off now than they were when they got married. It’s a lie and it needs to be taken care of. Because the addiction is not about “your lack of partner” it’s about you liking porn.

If you’re  a girl. Do some similar things. Learn how to cook (big one, trust me ladies) Even if it’s some simple meals or things that you don’t need to do a lot of work for. I have some amazingly simple recipes that I can share some time consuming, some not that will keep your future husband at least a bit happy. Practice keeping your house clean, practice being kind to others. Babysit, etc. All things in preparation for being a wife/ mom. ALSO get a job, ALSO pursue dreams, etc.

DO NOT BE the person who sits around and plays video games 24/7 or even for four hours a day and expect that God is going to send you a wife/ husband.

#3. 
DATE.

FREAKING DATE. DATE A LOT. DATE OFTEN. DATE ALL OF THE FREAKING TIME.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM!?

I never understand this generation of people who think that there’s some kind of “shame” in dating. DO you “Kiss Dating Goodbye?” Well, DON’T! Maybe do it in the sense that you don’t serially “have relationships” but don’t stop DATING!

Here’s the thing. Dating is a GOOD thing. It helps you to understand who/ what you want in a person.

And the way you do it is this- You approach it as if you are going to “get to know someone”. You go out, have coffee, go to a movie, then you go with someone else. Then you go with someone else. You have close friends who may or may NOT eventually become relationships. DO NOT RUSH THINGS. Just date. Heck, date fifty times a month if you have to! No Kissing, no holding hands, no immediate talk of your future together, no acting like this is “A RELATIONSHIP IN THE MAKING” … just a date.

But seriously, don’t be afraid of it unless you know of a reason why you can’t do it. (I understand those and they are valid- you don’t have self control, etc). But if you can maintain a clear thought in your head about it “JUST GETTING TO KNOW RACHEL/ TAYLOR” then DO IT! Have fun and learn learn learn.

#4. 
Don’t be Afraid.

Those things that the devil tells you, “what if it doesn’t work out?” “What if he’s/she’s a weirdo?” “I don’t like THAT thing that they do!” … it’s a bunch of bullcrap. No one is going to be perfect and every last person is at risk for ANY NUMBER of things. You are literally never safe. You heard me. You ARE NOT SAFE.

Love is a risk, so is marriage, so is life, so is family, etc. The ONLY thing you can do is you.

Which leads me to

fear
#5.

Stop believing that things will be “good” when you find that person.

I hate to say it, but we put too much emphasis on “love” in this day and age. I’m not talking about TRUE love. I’m talking about the kind of love that you know about… the one from the movies… the one from Game of Thrones. The one from every Chick Flick on the planet. That kind of love that’s really… well, let’s call it what it is … lust. Or emotions. Or fleeting feelings of attraction and infatuation.

All of which are symptoms of / part of love (or can be). But they are not REAL love. REAL love is HARD WORK and I’m sorry if no one ever told you that, but it’s the truth. Real love not only takes time, and your best behavior, but it WILL NOT grow unless you nurture it, feed it, strengthen it, and WORK WORK WORK for it.

You can not marry someone and expect love to just “happen” or “stick around”…

REAL love is sleeping next to a man (or woman hehehehe) who snores and keeps you up all night. Real love is cleaning up their vomit when they’re sick as a dog and their head is in the toilet. Real love is being with them when they get fat and agreeing with yourself that you’re going to stick by them anyways. REAL love is holding them when they’re afraid or in trauma. Real love is sticking beside them if they lose a limb and being with them til death, (you know, like you promised?) Real love is deciding (like in my case) that if they have a disease that prevents them from having sex with you that you not only DO NOT go seeking out other men/ women (or porn 😛 )but you stand by them, find ways around the issue, and support the person who is sick. REAL LOVE is watching the BOTH of you grow old… and die.

REAL LOVE IS SELFLESS
REAL LOVE IS DEDICATION
REAL LOVE IS SACRIFICE

REAL LOVE has NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU… it has EVERYTHING to do with WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM.

They WILL NOT fix you. You CAN NOT fix them. They WILL NOT make you happy / take away the pan. You CAN NOT make THEM happy / take away THEIR pain.

Real love is acceptance.

Love is not a feeling. It’s saying yes and then doing the “yes” part til death.

Unfortunately, that is the truth and unfortunately, people in this generation have no clue what real love is and they move on from boyfriend to boyfriend or even spouse to spouse “promising” something that they can never give because they do not understand that the issue is in themselves and their misunderstandings of “love”

After all, it’s “patient, kind, etc… 1 Cor 13”

#6.
Don’t be Creepy, Dude…

Or girl. If you get the sense that a person is NOT interested… STOP bugging them. Seriously… like stop…

I’ve seen both men AND women go after a person that is obviously NOT the one and obviously has NO interest in them almost from the start. Just… stop… Be their friend.

Which leads me to number

#7. 
Stop crying “Friend Zoned”

Every time someone decides that they just want to be your friend, accept it as fact and move on.

You are not in some “prison” … you are having a “normal life” where people GET to choose whether they want to be your spouse and / or boy/girlfriend. They are allowed to, it is their right.

Crying “I’ve been FRIENDZONEEEEDDDDDD” is just harboring bitter for something that you have no control over and frankly, you shouldn’t… After all… Deus Vult 😉

Don’t cry over some invisible zone. Realize that God has something else / better for you.

tales from the friend zone

#8. 
Do NOT be the person who is just eternally “indecisive”

This is horribly unattractive.

“I like you… Well, maybe I don’t. No. You’re really pretty… I don’t like you tho. I don’t really want to be in a relationship with you… You’re definitely the one… maybe I was wrong.”

STOP IT!

Make a decision and stop messing with people AND yourself.
“Let your yes be yes and your no be no”

Oh, and stop blaming it on God. That is definitely, unequivocally 190% YOU.

Be CAREFUL how you treat others who are near you. Don’t let someone spend lots of time alone with you that you know has feelings for you and act super friendly with them only to tell them that you are not interested in the long term. That’s just your selfishness and enjoying the “attention.”

love

#9. 
No… God did not “tell you”

This one needs to stop. Seriously. It is honestly THE WORST thing I’ve seen in churches when it comes to marriage/ relationships, etc.

It does SO MUCH HARM! Playing “match maker” or “Marriage prophet” is a BIG NO NO NO NO NO … and it applies to YOU personally too.

Have I seen it happen? Yes. Have I seen it happen lots? No. I have seen probably 10,000 cases of “God told me marry so and so” and maybe THREE instances in which it was actually truth.

My dad (who is prophetic) has a good policy, “NEVER PROPHECY IN MARRIAGE”… good one.

MOST of the time, when a person feels that “god” is telling them that Anna suchandsuchy is their wife, they are 100% wrong. It’s NOT God. It FEELS like God because it’s what the person wants to hear, but in actuality, it’s them. It’s what THEY want. Or, if it’s not, it’s them looking for an answer and attributing something to God that’s not God.

This goes back to #1… “THE ONE” – God told me that “SHE/HE is THE ONE”… more than likely? No He didn’t. You can believe that He did… but I’ve seen MANY of these “God told me’s” turn into divorce and unhappiness.

Because again, they don’t understand “love” …

Don’t tell someone that God told you about THEIR future spouse either. He may have, but do NOT share the who’s why’s how’s… that’s not your job. If God wills it, it will happen.

I could tell you countless stories *SMH* … Just… train wrecks.

TLDR
TL:DR
#1.  Be open, there is no “the one” Be MINDFUL

#2.  PREPARE / get your life together

#3. Date, lots. Don’t throw your heart around, just spend time with people.

#4. Drop fear. Admit that you’re afraid of commitment and stop it.

#5. Stop believing lies about love. It’s selfless and love is about YOU, not them.

#6. Move on. They’re not into you.

#7. Stop with the “Friend zone” thing.

#8. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Stop with indecisiveness

#9 God didn’t tell you who your spouse is, so don’t believe it

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TL;DR Me, this generation and emotional manipulation

Hello.
My name is Lisa,
And I am an emotional manipulator…

Manipulation-Puppet

*phew* it took me years to learn to say that. YEARSSSS… I should say that the previous statement was more “passed tense” than it is “present tense” but, I’m still working on this.

I want to take a moment to talk about this generation and emotional manipulation…

You see, I live in a world of young people who don’t consider these things, so I’d like to bring them to light by way of sharing some of my own experiences in emotional manipulation.

When we hear the word “manipulation” or “You’re a manipulative person” we cringe and buck and balk and immediately say, “NO I’M NOT!!!” … and that’s because like so many other things in this world there are DIFFERENT KINDS of manipulation. The same way that there are different kinds of love, mercy, forgiveness, etc…

When we hear manipulation, we honestly think of a person (and or fictional character) that is “out to get people” … We think of Regina George in Mean Girls saying, “Oh my gosh, what a BEAUTIFUL SKIRT!” because she wants EVERYONE to love her and then turning towards Cayti and saying, “That is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen…”

You’re not like that in the slightest… ARE you? 🙂 I certainly wasn’t. In fact, there had been times where I had been blatantly honest. A girl at church came one time wearing an unflattering, horrible yellow dress that was basically blinding. When I was asked what I thought about it, I said, “I don’t like it. I don’t think it flatters you…” I was picked on for days lol.

So how in the world was I manipulative?

When I was a young person, I had no idea that I was manipulative. SCARED, maybe… but manipulative? Nah… How could I be? What could I be doing to say that I was manipulative? O_o

The truth is this…

If you are overly expressing your emotional state to people when you want something, then you are being emotionally manipulative.

This could be construed and rehashed and rephrased several different ways, but it’s the truth.

Let’s say all of your friends have decided to go and climb a mountain. You’re the one person who doesn’t want to go because you’re scared. You think it’s stupid… You probably think it’s stupid BECAUSE you’re scared… you don’t get it… So you are “left out” of said experience, right?

Wrong… You have made a decision and you can NOT blame the group for “not including you” or not “deciding to do something else” to “include you”… Crying, whining, not listening, back talking, or becoming bitter and/or angry are all forms of emotional manipulation.

Because whether it’s your boyfriend, your husband, your spouse, your BEST friend, your friends period, or WHOEVER… the point is this- You KNOW deep down that they care about you… so in reality, crying, whining, back talking, etc is YOUR WAY of asking them to reaffirm that they care about you by making YOU feel more comfortable and making sure that THEY don’t leave you out by doing this thing that you don’t want to do…

Come on! They HAVE TO! Why ? Because they CARE about you! You KNOW that they care about you… so, what do you expect them to do? Show that they care! They’re not going to suddenly become pricks and be all, “Boo hoo, too bad for you,” and walk away. They’re going to console you (even though the problem is yours) and change their plans to accommodate you. (at least, that’s the goal, right 😉 😉 😉 )

Manipulation

Let’s say that your two closest friends want to go to “Mary Anne’s” house, but you don’t really LIKE Mary Anne so you decide not to go… LET THEM GO and don’t have “issues” because they went without you… Your “not liking” someone doesn’t change the fact that they DO like Mary Anne and that they were invited (as well as you) and you DECIDED not to go. IF you’re going to make a decision that puts YOU in a bad mood, then don’t make it. Don’t “feel left out” or “not wanted” … don’t “blame” your friends OR Mary Anne for your decision to exclude YOURSELF… Have a good time on your own, let it go, don’t be mad at your friends at ALL… It was YOUR decision.

If your boyfriend / spouse wants to go out with the guys (so long as they’re not doing something that you’ve agreed is not okay in your relationship), and you don’t want him to because of your own “insecurities”… don’t piss, whine, cry, mumble, belly ache, throw things, etc even just being plain indecisive can be manipulating/ wandering around looking sad/lost/ hurt… not good… this is all childish behavior and is basically ASKING for your boyfriend/ husband to do one of two things… show you what a JERK he is (by saying “whatever” and going anyways) or ruining HIS night by making him stay home with you… because that’s what he’s supposed to do… RIIIIIIIGHT? He should CARE about your feelings… and he DOES…

Let’s say that someone is trying to let you down easy/ break it off with you… Don’t cry, bitch, ask, beg, plead a case, talk about past failures, etc… They’re trying to tell you in the nicest way possible that they are done with this stage of your relationship. LET THEM GO! Don’t try to “keep them” by whining about it… You know the person well, and if they are a good friend, then they have one of two options… A, be a dick and say ‘screw you’ … which basically confirms in YOUR mind that they’re an evil person… or B, to “comfort/ console” you and “stand by your side…” … This is not okay.

If a person has been clear with you about their feelings in your relationship… you need to respect them. Go vent/ cry/ blab to another good friend about all the past stuff. Let the person trying to let you go, go. That’s what they need. And if they don’t fall for your belly aching, don’t turn around and tell everyone what a creep and horrible person/ friend they are…

Same with any of these other scenarios…

You see, when you do these things, you’re playing on someone’s emotions. You’re letting them know that you are DISPLEASED with them and that they SHOULD (in effect) care MORE about YOU than anything that they want… which isn’t okay. And unfortunately, it’s contagious… ONCE a person learns that they can do this to Nice guy A, or Friend B… they’ll continue to do it because they learn (subconsciously) how that person will respond. “If I cry… then she does THIS! WOW, she REALLY cares about me! And I can get what I want!” 

Never mind that this is selfish and horribly “five year old” of you… and honestly? Everyone can see it and knows it too…  And the worst part of this is that if a person who knows you well feeds into it, you can start to use it more frequently, and with more and more things until you are (essentially) the person who is in complete control by exploiting the other person’s emotional state.

MANY people don’t even realize that they do this…

And honestly? I’m not “mad” at the people who do. I USED to do this all the time. I used to sit around and whine, complain, bitch, become bitter, angry/ throw stuff, for stupid stupid, stupid things… I’m slowly letting that fall off of me as a person. Because I’ve slowly come to realize that this is all MY fault, MY insecurities, MY fears, MY problems and that it’s all based in that very thing… “ANXIETY”...

anxiety girl

WHAT IF these people don’t like me? WHAT IF I try and I fail? WHAT IF I can’t figure myself out? WHAT IF my husband meets someone else on guy’s night and runs off with them? WHAT IF I can’t have this person in my life FOREVER??? What if what if what if?

Other ways that you can emotionally manipulate-
Constantly redirecting the conversation to be about you… (“I hear what you’re saying but MY feelings are more important…”) 
Lying… (“Well, I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY sick right now…”)
Being blunt to make someone feel bad/guilty when such things weren’t necessary and could be said privately. (“Remember that time that you talked to BARBARA all night long? YEAH! THAT’S why you can’t go out with the guys…”) 

ENOUGH!
Philippians 4: 6-7 says-

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

You as a person have to be honest with yourself about your own insecurities. If you’re afraid, then ADMIT IT! And instead of getting down on yourself, either try said thing you’re afraid of, OR don’t… but don’t blame everyone else… It is YOUR issue to deal with/ handle.

Don’t hold on to people… LET THEM GO… and trust that the Lord has more in store for you.

Understand that this behavior is not okay, it hurts others and makes them think of you in certain ways, it causes grief in relationships and allows you to rule over people by emotional exploitation, and in the end? It really doesn’t help you out at all.

fear